show_my_cannons

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[Well, here's something we haven't seen in a while. What is it, you may ask?]

[It's Ironhide. Standing on his Onix's head and... looking hopelessly lost. Judging from the landscape, he's left Olivine, finally, only to wander into some forest somewhere. Napalm's head barely clears the tops of the trees.]

... Scrap.

[He says a few more choice words -- none of them technically printable -- and squints down at the 'gear.]

[Cliffjumper always had the map, when they went out...]

Where is the compass function on this thing? Trying to get to Goldenrod or... wherever it is the kid has gone.

Towns all sound the same... hnmf.

[This is Ironhide-Speak for: Where the hell am I.]

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Yeah, I do. She told me to come see her, out where she was staying.

[A while ago. But... he'd had to tie up a few metaphorical loose ends.]

What does moss and trees have to do with direction?

That's good. She... might need it.

[Because she's been through a lot lately, though he's sure Ironhide is aware of that if he's her friend.]

Moss grows on the north side of the trees. [Duh.] You've got plenty of 'em over there, so you might wanna check it out!

What happened to her now?

[He's noticed she'd had a hard time. All the more reason to come find her.]

No one mentioned that. We have no trees on Cybertron.

Y'know. Same old shit with people disappearing and whatnot.

[He trails off as he says that. For all he knows, Heather's lost at least three people close to her last month -- one of whom was Crow's best friend, too. ... He feels like there could be something else to it, but she wouldn't tell him, so it's nothing but a guess.]

... Can't say we had too many trees in Satellite back in a day, either, but I guess it's just common knowledge on Earth.

... Yeah. I know how it is.

[With Cliff leaving... yeah, he really does. But that doesn't need to be discussed. At all.]

I am not from Earth. Never had to use trees to navigate before.

Who doesn't?

[It's a common problem in this world.]

I know, I know! [He got as much the first time he mentioned being A ROBOT FROM SPACE.] That's why I'm telling you that, geez. Never too late to learn something new, y'know?

The lucky ones.

[And this has been Cynicism With Ironhide. Thank you, please tune in again.]

Think maybe a few million years is too late.

[... that was an attempt at humor. He's not very good at it.]

[...............]

Dude.

Anyone ever told you you've got all the appeal of a piece of sandpaper?

[He doesn't think you even tried at all.]

I have heard that, and agree with it.

It is not my function to be appealing.

[At least he's honest.]

[... Oh, for the love of Crimson Dragon-- Crow folds his arms and gives him a somewhat flat look.]

Is it your function to be as dry as a prune, then?

[He really hopes the answer is no.]

[He blinks.]

What is... a prune?

... Oh.

[Right. Robots probably don't eat those.]

You know what a plum is? The fruit, I mean. When you dry it, you get a prune. Which works really well in cooking-- [Wait, that's not what it's about.] Anyway, point is, it's dry as fuck.

No. I do not.

What does it... look like?

[Ironhide pretty much survived on protein bars for a year after his arrival. He's not too well-versed in food.]

Dry. Right. Then why do you ingest it?

Uh. [WHERE DOES HE EVEN START WITH THAT.] Small, round... different kinds have different colors, I think? And when it dries, it gets all wrinkled. That's... all there is to it, really.

[... Goddammit, Ironhide, get your ass over to Saffron and Crow will cook you ALL THE THINGS-- if you pay for the ingredients, that is.]

'Cause it's tasty? Like I said, works well in cooking, too.

That does not sound... tasty. Sounds worse than tomatoes.

[And those, he refuses to touch. He'll eat pretty much anything anyone puts in front of him, but tomatoes? No.]

How do you cook something like that?

What's wrong with tomatoes?

[Granted, if it was salad or something, then it would take a lot to convince Crow to eat it, but on the other hand, tomatoes can be made into so many great things!

Like ketchup.]

They go well with meat, I hear? [Though he's never really had a chance to try that.] Or you can put 'em into cereal or rice. That works too.

Ask Heather.

[It was one of those things she teased about -- one of those things that ended up backfiring horribly.]

Do they...?

[You had him at "meat", sir.]

You can bet I will!

[Because that sounds like one of those fun little things you can use to make fun of others-- er, it's interesting.]

And yeah, guess they do. [He stokes his chin thoughtfully.] I could give it a shot sometime...

Good. Let her explain matters.

[He just thinks it's gross now.]

Might as well. If you know so much of them.

[Being human is full of gross things, deal with it.

Crow can't help but raise his eyebrow a bit at that. He kind of hopes he's not officially considered a Dried Fruit Specialist, since he wouldn't describe himself as one.]

Told you already, common Earth knowledge. And some cooking books.

[He knows, he doesn't have to like it.]

There are books of cooking?

... Sure? [Why is that even a question...]

How else do you think people learn how to cook in the first place?

[Deadpan:]

The internet.

[... Well then.]

Yeah, there's that, too.

Though there are places that don't have internet connection, y'know.

[Shocking.]

Then you should not call it the world wide web.

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